


Can We Ever Go Back?

by spazzgirl



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Nat calls out on Steve's shit, Nat hates cliche, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), So much angst, Steve and Nat are both idiots and need to be hit, Steve needs to be smacked specifically with a brick wall, a shit ton of angst, explination of Past Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, romanogers - Freeform, some slight explanation of why Steve pushed Bruce to Nat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 12:01:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6955732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spazzgirl/pseuds/spazzgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>every decision that’s made always has a consequence, and sometimes those decisions are the regrets we make</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can We Ever Go Back?

**Author's Note:**

> Because I’m in some dire need of angst. I know I said I’d back off, but come on guys I can’t help it  
> This is somewhat of a slight CW fix it fic. Also this is Nat calling out on Steve’s shit especially with the whole kiss with Sharon, because Steve’s an idiot and needs to be hit.  
> Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of any character used  
> Song recommended: Paralyzed by NF

She finds herself looking into the beautiful open plains of the snowy filled grass of Ireland. What made her decide to hide out in this country? Perhaps it’s the origin of the man she lov- _no_ cares about. She doesn’t believe in love…. She doesn’t want to believe in something so fickle.

_What’s the point of being in love when you get your heart broken twice?_

She hates this feeling, the way her heart beats each time she hears him laugh. Or the way his beautiful blue eyes sparkle when he spots her.

_He doesn’t need her_

_Not anymore_

It’s like how it was with her first husband, Alexei. She thought he loved her. Oh how young and naïve she was back then. She knows better now, but her heart wants the blond super soldier, the man who makes Captain America.

_Her heart wants Steve Rogers_

But he’s so far out from her reach. She’s on the run and he’s in Wakanda, under the protection of T’Challa. Natasha knows that the king of Wakanda has granted her safe passage to his country, despite what had happened, but she needs to be alone she doesn’t know how long.

But she doesn’t want to be alone. She wants to feel his arms around her, making her feel so safe and secure. Feeling his warmth surround her. She wants Steve Rogers and knows she can’t. Natasha wants him but she also hates him. When she found out about that kiss, it angered her.

_It hadn’t been a week and yet that asshole already disrespected Peggy_

Natasha wonders what Peggy feels at the moment. Is she also upset at the blond super soldier as well? Best girl my ass, that’s what Peggy must be thinking.

“Natasha?” She knows he’s there, she knew the moment he walked up to her, felt his presence behind her as she looks at the beautiful waves of the Irish ocean.

The red head turns around and sees him sporting a smile. “Hello Steve.” He’s wearing basically all black attire, fitting for a man on the run.

“Nat,” he lets out a deep breathe. She can hear his footsteps crunching onto the snow as he walks up to her. She wants to relish in his warmth as his arms wrap around her, but she can’t. Steve notices that she doesn’t relax in his arms. “What’s wrong Nat?”

She pushes him away and shakes her head. “Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me Nat, please tell me what’s wrong.” She hates it when he gives her the hurt puppy look. How she hates it when he’s concerned for her well-being.

“Why are you here Steve?”

“I came to find you.” He looks out in the ocean and smiles. “Somehow I knew you’d be here, it wasn’t hard after you asked me if I ever wanted to visit Ireland.”

“You shouldn’t be here Steve.” She turns around and looks at the waves, her arms hugging her.

Steve frowns. “What do you mean Nat?”

“You shouldn’t be here Steve.” Once again she faces him, her green eyes filled with anger. “You shouldn’t be here at all! Here in Ireland. Here looking for me!”

“N-Nat, I don’t understand.” He tries to reach out for her but she steps back. “Please Nat, tell me what’s going on.”

“You know damn well Rogers,” she hisses angrily at him. “You shouldn’t be here, you should be with Sharon, not with me!”

Steve frowns, finally understanding what’s up. “What I do is none of your concern Nat. You’re my friend, I care for you.”

“Like how you cared for Peggy? Before she was even buried you had the decency to kiss her niece?!” Steve winces at her harsh words. “Yeah Steve I know about that, Sam told me about it.” Her gaze now cold. “I can’t believe you Steve, was all that talk about Peggy being your best girl wascomplete bullshit?!”

“Peggy will always be my best girl Nat.” Steve snaps back. “She’ll always hold a special place in my heart! Peggy wanted me to move on.”

“So you move on by kissing her niece right?” Her words were cold truths and he knows it. “That the life you couldn’t have with Peggy you decide to force it onto Sharon?! That Sharon is the only connection you have left of Peggy? That sure sounds like moving on Rogers. To me that’s bullshit, you aren’t moving on, you’re only clinging onto the past.”

“I was doing what was best for me Nat.” His blue eyes now cold. “Why the hell are you so concerned about who I choose for my partner? When you’re the one who’s always setting me up for dates?”

This time she winces at the cold truth. “You know why Rogers? It’s because I see me in you. You and I, we’re basically the same. I wanted you to have your own life. I didn’t want to see you being alone.” Natasha shakes her head. “Didn’t you once tell me that you wanted someone with the shared life experience as you?”

Steve sighs as he cards a hand in his hair. His other hand reaches out to her and holds onto her wrist. “That’s why I’m here Nat,” he says softly, “I’m here for you. I knew what I did was a mistake. I know that kissing Sharon, projecting my suppressed feelings for Peggy, was wrong. But you know what? It wasn’t just Peggy I was thinking of, it was you too.”

She pulls her hand away from him. “Don’t Rogers. Don’t make this sound so fucking cliché. This isn’t a movie, this isn’t something that can be fixed with a few words and a love confession.”

“You don’t think I know that Nat? Honestly, I do have feelings for you, alright? I didn’t do anything before because of what was going on with you and Banner!” He relaxes a bit before continuing on. “It hurt alright? To see you with someone else, someone that wasn’t _me_. I was hurting Nat, I was hurting a lot during that time. I wanted nothing more than to see you happy, just like how you want me to be happy.” He tries to reach out for her again but pulls back and his hand hangs by his side. “Why can’t you understand that?”

She backs away, everything that’s going on between them is sound cliché, like a goddamn movie. She doesn’t want this sort of thing, she wants to be alone.

“Go away Steve,” she needs to push him away. “Go back to Wakanda.”

“No,” he takes a step forward, “not without you Nat.”

“Go to hell then Rogers,” she spits out at him. Steve knows she’s getting upset just by the use of his last name. “You shouldn’t have come here.”

“I know that, but it’s too late. What happened back then, we can never take back.” He wants to reach out to her again, but know it’ll just scare her. “I’m tired Nat, I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of every decision I make always ends up hurting people I care about. I hate the fact that my kiss with Sharon upset you. But I also hate the fact that I was so willing to push you to Banner. I’m tired Nat, I’m tired of running around in circles with you. All I want is a straight path… to you, why can’t you see that?”

“Because you deserve better,” she hates herself now because this is all to cliché and she hates herself for it. “You deserve someone who can give you a family, a life, _happiness_. I’m broken Steve, I can’t give you anything.”

“I’m tired of what people say I deserve. I don’t deserve shit! I just want you Nat, I’ve always wanted you and no one else. Yes the kiss with Sharon was a complete mistake. Yes I admit that I projected my feelings for Peggy onto her. I admit that it was wrong and disrespectful to Peggy. I understand my mistakes, I’ve understood them for months Nat. For months I wanted nothing more than to see you again. To hold you in my arms, to see you smile, to see you laugh, everything.” His hand cups her face and his thumb gently brushes her cheek. “The days I was away from you were the hardest. Not once did I ever feel truly alone until you were gone. I’ve missed you Nat, I’ve _yearned_ for you. I couldn’t sleep knowing you were out there…. all alone.” His blue eyes soften and rests his forehead against hers. “I don’t want you to be alone Nat.”

 _Push him away_ – that’s what her mind is screaming for her to do.

_You don’t want this_

But she does…. doesn’t she?

“You told me once that staying together is more important than how we stay together.” His other hand cups her other cheek, his hands holding her face. “I want us to stay together Nat, now and forever.”

“Steve, please don’t.”

He smiles softly at her. “I don’t care if you’re broken Nat, I don’t care if you believe that love is for children.” He looks at her, deep into her soul. “Please just try, I know you don’t want any clichés, but maybe we can take it, one step at a time.”

They’re both alike in so many ways, they’ve both yearned for something they thought that was out of their reach. But she’s so broken and damaged.

“I-I can’t give you the things you want.”

Steve brushes away a few stray tears that she didn’t know that were spilling. “I don’t care, what _I_ want is _you_.” The back of his hand gently brushes her cheek. “I know this won’t be easy. I know we’ll have bumps in the road, but in the end I know it’ll be worth it. We’ll help each other, we’ll patch ourselves up.”

“I don’t want you to you to confess so easily Steve.” She wants this, she wants a life with him, but she knows they’ll take it slow and she’s fine with it. “This isn’t some goddamn Hallmark movie.”

He laughs and her heart flutters. “I know that, we’re imperfect, but we help one another to become better.” He closes his eyes and takes in her scene, he releases a steady breathe. “Can you do that Nat? Can you help me become a better man?”

“Only if you teach me how to love again.”

Their eyes lock onto each other, he can’t help but smile. “Yes, I can do that.” His lips brushes against her forehead.

 _You’ll always be my home Nat_ – he says in his mind, one day he’ll say those words to her, but now they take baby steps into a forming relationship.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hoo Ray!! This almost didn't get posted because IDK how to feel about this besides angst and feels.


End file.
